the day i thought of killing myself
i took out a payday loan
because workin’ two jobs
didn’t pay the bills no more
i sat in my driveway
fighting panic disguised
as a heart attack
grackles littering my lawn
while my arms hung numb from my body
and alarms escaped their beaks
i could feel the frigid barrel
when i closed my eyes
i could feel it sit with love against my temple
caressing the skin as it pressed firmly
itching to shoot the bullet through
i wanted to see what brain matter looked like
against cracked glass and felt car seats
i wanted to see the pattern it would create
when it splattered all over the car
and the moment i imagined my finger pulling the trigger
my heart stopped—my breath paused
everything was still
there is an art in staying calm in chaos—
in acting like the world is full of water
when everything is aflame
the birds took off when i opened my eyes
leaving an omen i didn’t understand
i went to sleep that night
shaking from the emptiness of my body—
from the emptiness of a bullet
